Draco Does It Better
by JediTears09
Summary: Problems that would have been solved a lot faster if Draco Malfoy was the hero instead of Harry Potter.  Currently includes a detention with Umbridge and a run-in with Nagini.
1. Problem: Dolores Umbridge

Problems that would have been solved a lot faster if Draco Malfoy was the hero instead of Harry Potter.

This is just a quick fluff fanfic that may or may not be continued as a series of "Draco does it better" moments. It was written solely for comedic purposes, and is not to be taken at all seriously, or even siriusly. (Get it?) Enjoy!

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><p>Dolores Umbridge:<p>

Draco stumped morosely into the room. He didn't even deserve a detention, really. How was he to know it was against the rules to hex people's shoes so they forced the owner to kick themselves repeatedly in the rear? If anything he should be rewarded for his clever charmwork. He was at the point of angrily slamming the door, when a vicious assault on his senses stopped him cold. Pink clouded his vision- at first he thought it was his eyesight, but then he realized the entirety of the office was slathered in the color. A perfume that reminded him of his horrid grandmother permeated the air, giving him an almost irrepressible urge to sneeze and vomit at the same time. An ungodly mewling bludgeoned his ears, which he quickly realized was coming from a choir of the creepiest kittens he had ever seen, painted on a variety of porcelain plates. Highly breakable porcelain plates…

"What the…" he muttered, before he spotted Professor Umbridge, who was sitting primly in a chair behind a desk that was entirely too large for her.

"Hem, hem," she coughed, before directing him to a chair at a smaller desk. Draco gave her a look of pure venom before sitting down. He didn't care _who_ she was, his father could get her fired before you could say "freaky cat plates."

"You're going to be doing some lines for me today, Mr. Malfoy."

Draco kicked his bag open and began rummaging through it for a quill, but a sugar-sweet voice stopped him.

"No, not with your quill. You're going to be using a rather special one of mine. Now, I want you to write 'I must not cause trouble.'" She placed a long, black quill with a very sharp point on the desk in front of him.

"How many times?" he growled as respectfully as he could.

"Well let's say, as long as it takes for the message to sink in." Irritatingly cryptic.

Draco noted the lack of pink ink, and said something about it.

"Oh, you won't need any ink," she said with a rather sinister smile. Creepy old woman.

Draco resisted the urge to punch her in the face and started writing. The ink was a brilliant scarlet color. As he wrote, the back of his hand seared with pain, and he quickly dropped the quill.

Raw, red letters had been cut into the back of his hand, spelling out, 'I must not cause trouble.'

"What the hell!" he snarled, knocking the chair over and striding towards the squat woman.

"Whatever is the problem, Mr. Malfoy?"

"What the hell do you think is my problem," he hissed, waving his bleeding hand at her. "I'm bleeding!"

"This is a disciplinary action, Mr. Malfoy. It is not unreasonable."

"Bloody hell woman, you want me to write in my own blood? What kind of sadistic freak are you anyway? My father is going to hear about this. I expect you'll be sacked within a week, I suggest you go pack your bags."

Umbridge had developed a look of stunned shock on her face, as though no one had ever dared speak to her in such a manner.

"I'm out of here," Draco sniffed. He slammed the door as he left, and heard a satisfying crash as several kitten plates met their ends on the cold stone floor.

. . .

Draco and Lucius stood on a street corner in Hogsmeade, the late autumn breeze ruffling their cloaks.

"Father, this woman is terrible. She's an abysmal teacher, and obviously doesn't respect the Malfoy name. Look at what she did to my hand!" He proffered his maimed hand, which his father observed at a distance for a moment before responding wearily.

"Yes, Draco, alright. I'll have her dismissed immediately. I do wish you'd stop forming vendettas against teachers though, it's hell having to scare the other governors into action… Well, if that's all, I'll be off, lots to be done."

"Thank-you father. I'll see you at Christmas?"

"Ah, about that Draco. Your mother and I are vacationing in Moscow, and we hoped you'd stay at Hogwarts for the holidays."

"Oh… yes, of course. Goodbye, sir."

After his father had disapparated, Draco slumped onto a bench and began picking at the scabs forming on the back of his hand. He scowled, muttering to himself. "With my fair skin, these scars will _never_ go away!"


	2. Problem: Nagini

I'm in statistics class, I'm bored, hence the new chapter. Please know that this is written purely for humor's sake, and is not to be taking seriously at all.

Oh, also! Since Draco is now the hero, he has random powers too, like Parseltongue. Don't question the logic behind that, just go with it.

This is part of a series of "Problems that would have been solved a lot faster if Draco was the hero" moments. Enjoy!

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><p>Problem: Nagini  The 6th Horcrux

Draco sighed and sunk further into the enormous armchair. The Malfoy's large dining hall was deserted for the moment, and the lack of Voldemort and his sinister cronies was more than appreciated. This whole death eater thing was becoming a lot more troublesome than he had anticipated.

He kicked his shoes off and closed his eyes, intending to take advantage of the quiet and take a nap. However, just as he was about to drift off into blissful sleep, something large and heavy crawled over his foot.

_NOTE! This here is a flashback! This means that it is a long scene that actually is taking up only a few seconds in real-story time! So Draco is just having a quick flashback memory of this! Okay! Ready! Action!_

When Draco was very young, he owned a pet mouse. Her name was Biscuit, and he was quite fond of her. However, Lucius decided that a mouse was an utterly unbefitting pet for a Malfoy. One day, he brought home a snake as a surprise for Draco. And surprised he was when he woke up the next day to find no Biscuit and a very fat snake curled up inside her cage. Ever since, despite being in Slytherin, Draco has been terrified of snakes.

_NOTE! This here is the _end_ of a flashback! This means that the story will continue, since you now have the knowledge you need to understand the rest of the story! Okay! Ready! Action!_

Draco froze for a second as a hiss echoed from under the table.

Suddenly, with a very un-manly scream, he leapt out of the chair, slashed his wand through the air and bellowed, "SECTUMSEMPRA!"

The hissing stopped abruptly.

Panting, Draco nudged the chair out of the way with his foot, and carefully looked under the table.

A great, horrible snake was lying on the Persian rug, both halves of it twitching post-mortem.

Draco stared at it. "…Oh crap."

. . .

_I killed the Dark Lord's beloved pet snake. I'm dead. That's it for me. The best I can hope for is a quick, painless death. Oh god, that's never going to happen. They'll be mopping me off the walls._

Draco was hyperventilating. He managed to calm down a little, weighing his options.

Typically he would pin this on someone else, except that he was the only one in the house. An idea struck him, and he shoved his shoes back on and ran out the door.

. . .

Obviously this was the best course of action, he thought, as he walked out of the pet store in Knockturn Alley with a large hissing cage. Voldemort would never know the difference. What was one great dirty snake from another?

The snake let out a particularly loud hiss, and Draco cursed his idiocy. Of course, Voldemort could talk to snakes. He would know right away. Unless…

When he returned to the Malfoy manor, Draco set the cage on the table and looked the snake in its creepy little beady eyes. With difficulty, Draco's voice came out as a low hiss.

"Listen, snake. Your name is now Nagini. You are best friends with the Dark Lord, the most evil person who ever lived. You do his bidding without question. You have a weirdly close relationship with him, and accompany him everywhere. _Everywhere._"

The snake looked at him stupidly.

"Don't think I don't know you can hear me. Look, snake. Look at what happened to the last of your filthy kind that crossed me. The same thing will happen to you if you don't obey me."

The snake glanced at the halved serpent lying on the carpet. It nodded slightly.

Draco flipped the door of the cage open, and leapt back as the great snake slithered out.

. . .

"Nagini, good. I have not seen you in many days, I had begun to think something happened to you." Voldemort patted its scaly head.

Draco held his breath as the snake coiled around the Dark Lord's chair.

So far so good.

"What's that, Nagini?"

Draco glared at the snake with as much bloodlust as he could muster.

"Oh. Yes, the boy is quite annoying. Draco, get out of here."

Draco jumped out of his chair and practically ran out of the room.

. . .

Sitting in his room, Draco heaved a sigh of relief. It looked like he was off the hook on this one.

No harm done, anyway. The new Nagini was basically the same- how much could snakes' personalities differ? Nothing bad could come of this switch. It wasn't as if the old Nagini was part of Voldemort's _soul_ or anything.


End file.
